11 Oct 2014

Some thoughts on an unfinished master thesis



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I am sitting here at the desk now. Finally. With my books on language, metaphors and narrative in front of me. But I just cannot read them. One of them is open – so I have managed that, but my motivation to start reading is completely absent. 

It is now raining outside – it thunders actually. The lightning flashes up now and then, and I can hear the dripping of water and the powerful wind. I like that kind of weather, even if it also scares me a little, but to be inside writing in this weather is almost magical. Earlier today it was sunny, and that was an excuse for me to postpone working on my master theses till later this evening. Now the evening is here, with perfect atmosphere for it too, and I just can’t do it.
Am I a failure if I quit? I’m told that I am. “You must do it, you are so close”, is what I hear. True. And “you just have to get yourself together” and “do that last bit of work that it takes”. I know you are right! Actually, some parts of me really want to finish because of these reasons.
But when I think of what I really want to do, there is only one thing that comes to my mind right now. It’s writing. Unfortunately not on my thesis because that is not really writing, it is science, but writing as in storytelling and reflections. Fantasy. It has always been my thing ever since writing storyes as assignments in school about Indians and how they live or princesses that went lost or sexual difficulties for a young man. I know that it gives me a lot of joy, and also one of the reasons why I became a journalist. Reading fiction too is to me inspirable. Litterateur in general. 
Lately, partly because I am now here in a small city in Germany as a result of following my inner desire, I have started to think that I should do more of what I really want. I have reflected upon the thought of why we spend so much of our life doing something that is reasonable, something that will do us good in the future rather than doing the things that we actually love right now. Why do we postpone to do the things we love? Why do we feel that we need to work at a job that we don’t even like? “One beautiful day…” we say and long for something that we will do in the future. And then we say to ourselves: “I just have to live in pain first”. Why?
Call me spoiled, stupid or little tactical – what ever you want. But as long as I am happy… I mean, don’t you think that I can be happy living in this world without having finished my master degree? In my mind, I actually have one already, because I have learned so much from studying this and by taking the obligatory and optional courses. It has given me insights that I did not have before with my bachelor degrees, I have met great teachers and fellow students and it has been a joy (and also, off course, in times, terrible!). The main thing is tha it has opend my eyes even further, and it is great to know that I indeed have become wiser and more reflected as a result of this. I started this degree on my own choice yes, and I do think it is a good thing to finish what you start out, but it is also a good thing to reflect upon why you are doing it. Are you (I) finishing this just because it is good thing to finish? I don’t feel good about that. You (I) should finish it because you (I) want to finish it. You should be in a relationship because you want to be in it. You should work and live at a place because you want to live and work there – money should not be an issue. Money does not make you happy, wellbeing does.
So am I feeling well by finishing this master thesis? It would be practical to have it done, yes – but I just cant, so I am not feeling well. So what does that make me? A failure? Is the society going to focus on that – only that, when it comes to me in the future? Are you telling me you would see no other qualities but failure? I mean, it is sick.
There has been a debate going on in Norway lately about the pressure that young adolescents are facing today. That so many feel they have to be perfect, have success and great grades, extra curricular activities and a part time job. A relevant part time job. That the youth rebellions – the ones that should question our leaders and offer a young fresh new perspective, well it is shrinking in. Not many youngsters wants to take that role any more – they are to busy preparing for working life and perfectionism. And a few days ago – a 17 year old Pakistani girl wan the Nobel Peace Price (thank you Norway!). For speaking her mind. That’s a thought. She talks about education as a solution against terrorism, and I agree with her, education is a good solution. We need information, knowledge, discussion and wisdom. But we must also watch out for the unsaid rules of what the “right” education and what that the “wrong” education is. The latter, meaning the occupations that are looked down upon, often have no high income at the end. By the way, I saw this videointerview with Malala Yousafzai from Jon Stewart on the Daily show today. See it and consider this: What if she had only focussed on doing her tasks, instead of speaking her mind?
I don’t think people that do things because it is the right thing to do will be good at doing this. You see the immediate difference when someone is doing what they love – they become exceptionally good at it. And I think that we are different enough to fill our society with all the occupations that we already have, based on what we love. It is different for every person.
I don’t think that I have ever done exactly what I love. I don't think any of us ever do. Maybee thats life. I wanted to become a dancer when I was younger, but I did not study dance. But I did do something else: I took a degree in journalism because I love to write. After that, I was a bit disappointed, but that is a different story. Or maybe it’s not. Because maybe I will start to do exactly what I love from now on and develop my skills from that instead. That means that I won’t finish the things that I don’t love any longer. The scary part of this thought is that maybee once I do that, then others will stop loving/liking me exactly for that reason. Maybe even look down upon me. But I feel that only then, maybe I can finally be good at what I am doing.

2 comments:

Fayann said...

So good!!!!! You don't need to finish anything you don't want to. You're awesome.

Love you,
Fay
(Perth, WA)

Linn said...

Thank you Fay, it means the world to me to hear you say that! (Even if I off course know, at the bottom of my heart, that you - off all people share this spirit, its good to know) Thanks for making me remember why meeting you was so special!

A great Love back to you!(please keep stay in my my life like this)
Linn